It is so easy to forget that Joshie is not like other "normal" or average almost 5 year olds. He is not what you typically think of when you hear the word autistic. Heck, it's why it was such a shock to me to hear the word used in diagnosing his "quirky" personality. He is verbal now thanks to almost 3 years of speech therapy. He shows affection, well to me anyway, he is more reserved with others. But it has become clear to me lately that some of it is more because in his way he loves me and knows I expect it and so he humors me.
A lot of times I am able to not think about his "label". But then something like tonight happens and I am reminded...Reminded how he is, I don't know, I hate to say not normal, he is normal for him, so I will say different.
We moved a few days ago, and when packing he made sure I packed every single paper that was taped to the walls of his old room because he wanted them all for his new room. So tonight I was hanging them for him. And he wanted me to change the movie he had on to something else. I told him one second, when I finished hanging the picture in my hands I would do it. Well Joshie doesn't do well with waiting. He doesn't always seem to get that 2 things can not always been done at once. So he said to me "You know what, you're not the right mom for me." This stung, much more than I would like to admit. Because this was the slap, wham, punch in the chest reminder I am sometimes confronted with about him.
Yes it hurts to hear this from my child, it would any mom. But it hurt for two reasons. I was about to cry. Partly because I have spent every day since I found out I was pregnant with him (it was a very, very difficult one physically & emotionally) making sure Joshie was cared for. From the day he was born there was something different about him. And from that moment until this I have spent my life keeping his world even so he could function in it. Routine is very important to him, bathing him has it's special way of being done, food has to be just so, conversations revolve around what ever his interest is at the moment, right now it is superheroes, before that it was Toy Story. It all becomes quite exhausting to be honest.
Don't get me wrong, I love that little boy with every ounce of my being. But then he says something like he did tonight...and SLAP...not an average kid, WHAM...not "normal"...REMEMBER...he doesn't mean it, hell he doesn't know what the fuck (sorry) he is saying, to him it is expressing frustration not meant to wound. He doesn't get that words wound. And second, the soft mommy part of me, the one that had dreams of my little boy sharing things with me, dies a little every time I am so painfully reminded that my little guy just isn't wired that way.....
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and it is SO hard to reconcile those inborn, instinctive reactions with the reality of a "spectrum" child, i know. if i were you, i would LONG so much just to scoop him up, hold him, love him, rock him. to DO something to show him how much i love him and be reassured that he loves me to.
so, instead, i will scoop YOU up, hold you, love you, and reassure you. you ARE the best mommy for Joshie. he couldn't have a better one. truly.
*hug*
(i don't have an autistic spectrum child, but my cousin does - and i have worked with many a one and their families when i was at cleveland clinic, so i have a small understanding and TONS of support for you)
:hugs:
Don't all men suck with their word choices? I know. I know. I'm just trying to find the humor in the pain. It's all I know to do. Kimmyblair said it best - hugs!!!
Wendy my other true love, I need your humor in my pain because I know it is how you say you love me.
Hugs Wendy. Josh (and your other children!) have got a wonderful Mum xxx
Don't forget that even so-called normal kids say horrible things to their moms sometimes. He still loves you - moving is rough on someone who depends so much on routine and an even-keel! You are a fantastic mom and Joshie is blessed to have you.
Thanks for the supportive words.
I hate to say "you get use to it", but it tends to be the truth with kids like this. Mine is a little older, so it's a bit easier to reason with him when things like this come out of his mouth. I can't say it didn't sting the first time I heard "I hate you" or "I want to live with my dad" or "You hate me", but it gets easier when you realize this is their way of saying "I don't like what just happened here". I always try to tell mine that it ain't gonna be any better anywhere but here, and check out what you DO have to be thankful for.
One of our biggest problems is school, since I made a major sacrifice pulling him out of the local elementary. Instead of catering to his needs, they'd throw him in a locked time out room. Half the time he didn't even understand what he was in trouble for. All kids hate school, I know, but when he starts yelling at me when he doesn't want to do the work and he hates me for making him do it (which I've learned is autism spectrum code for "I don't understand the work and I don't know how to ask for help"), I remind him that EVERY kid has to do work, and he's a lot better off here. One day he even did a little mini report on the differences between home and "real" school, and wrote which he prefers. Of course, he said "I like being at home more", like I knew he would.
I know some days it's a HUGE challenge and we'll never get the appreciate we're deserved. But such is life I guess? And we're all they got to fight for them at this point.
Kara, one of the things I am learning is that there is such as thing as too nice here and I need to be tough and be his voice.
I hate to say it, but you have to know that it may be worse when something like that is said by a child that doesn't have Autism--because at the time THEY REALLY MEAN IT. They mean it to be hurtful. They mean it to tear you apart. Take heart in the fact that you KNOW Joshie doesn't mean it.
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