I love you for the man you almost are or When is not enough still good enough?

In the movie Jerry Mcguire Renee Zelweeger's character says she loves Jerry for the man he wants to be and almost is but in the end she ends up loving him as he is. Well ok he makes some changes for her and they live happily ever after.

But that's the movies & this is real life. 

I love my husband so very much. He is my best friend, my drinking buddy, my sounding board, my lover, my comforter, my court jester, my WoW partner, the father of my children. But he is also the person who can push my buttons, make me angry, frustrate me, get under my skin, make me cry....We have been married for 13 years. We have been through more ups and downs than I can count. We have loved & fought. We have cried together and made each other cry. All that being said, I have been having some rough feelings about things and am trying to work through them, this is my attempt to make sense of it all and lucky you, you get to come along for the ride & glimpse into my heart...

I am a word person. The words people use I take to heart. I like to tell the people I care about that I do. I love to be told that I am cared about, am smart or witty, am funny, pretty, sexy, beautiful, kind, cute & cuddly (thanks Joshie dear), you know, the things most people want to hear. The written word comforts me and so the surest way to make my day is a letter, something I can go back to and "hear" again what you wanted to tell me. At the same time, I sometimes take words too seriously it seems. I have begun to learn recently that not everyone places the same value on words that I do. I tend to live in a sheltered world. I take my kids to and from school. I talk to my Potter friends (the best in the world!!) and some new friends I have made on Twitter (much love to Jamie & Wendy) and I read, clean house, do laundry, grocery shop...But I don't have a lot of contact with the world at large.

That's all changing. You see my husband has a very dry, witty, dirty sense of humor. It's not for everyone but to those who like it, he is considered very funny. He is on the way to becoming a little bit of a Twitter celebrity. And by extension I am getting exposed to people more like him and less like me. Add to this his naturally flirty nature and my lack of much self-esteem and feeling like a broken soul, not to mention my abandonment issues and this makes for some internal struggle. I have been feeling the dark sadness coming coming back. Jay call's this my inability to just be, to relax and not worry about so much all the time.

I think if you use <3's or sweeties, or talk of flirty things with someone it carries meaning (remember what I said about me and words). But it seems that there are a lot more people who feel like flirting is a harmless, emotionless way to interact with people and pass the time. That it means nothing and is all in good clean fun.

All of this inner struggle and sadness has not, as much as I thought I was hiding it, passed notice. I believe that peoples moods can be altered by those around them. This put Jay & I in a bit of a pickle. I want him to be flirty with me. But my mood was so icky it made him feel icky and not want to be affectionate and flirty with me, which led me to feel sadder and my mood to make him unhappy (miserable if I am being 100% honest) and round and round we went.

All of this came to a head last night. Jay spelled it all out for me and it tore me to the core but made me see somethings clearer. The bottom line was this, he knows and wanted me to know I deserve the kind of things I said I needed but he was not capable of being that person. He is what he is and what he is is the man in love with me. But at the same time he will never be good enough, do enough to fill my empty spots enough for me. These were his words not mine....He said he can do better to do more to meet my needs but he will never be 100% what I need....

I guess the end of this is that, for me, I rather 75% (that's the percent he said he thought he might be capable of getting to) of my needs met by Jay than 100% by someone else...In this case it is enough to love him for the man he almost is or not enough is good enough....My life without Jay is not a life I want to have....

I am learning that relationships take compromise by both parties in order to work, and sometimes what you lose is not as important as what you get.