The Perfect Gift?

My birthday is a few days away. As of this posting (July 15, 2010) I have 52 weeks 3 days left in my 30's. Not very long. It is significant because the 100% truth is that until about this time last year I didn't really live my life. I was alive of course but wasn't really living. I sent my life until then as someone's victim, someone who didn't like herself, too fat, too scared to do anything. Now I am approaching middle age and I am feeling more like a teen or 20something than I did when I was a teen or 20something. I am listening to the music I like. I am getting tattoos. I am having the best sex of my life. I am getting my body healthy and my soul too. I am putting myself out there and being the me I am learning I am. I am living, really living, for the first time ever.

A few days ago Koti asked me what kind of cake I was having for my birthday. I said I wasn't having a birthday cake. She asked what I was having and I said I wasn't having anything. And saying that out loud felt so sad. But I am not sad...but it sounds sad. I am not getting any gifts as in physical gifts except the pictures the kids make me every year. I am ok with that. Really. It was just saying those words out loud that made me feel a little sad and thoughtful about my day. We are having dinner from my new favorite take-out place, Muscle Maker Grill so I don't have to cook. Then on the 31st Jay & I are going into NYC to spend the afternoon/evening with Ann & Rick and Eileen. So I am really ok with not getting any physical gift from Jay and the kids, I rather the money get spent on these things. If I had to say what I wanted to from Jay I will say what I always say, I want a love letter. But otherwise...I am cool. Ok well if money was no concern I would love a huge amazon.com or Barnes & Noble gift card and an iPad.

But the truth is gifts are always hard for me. I hate asking for things for myself. I have never been comfortable with that. I have a hard time buying myself stuff too. Those who know me well know what I like so I am not a hard person to shop for but I hate to ask for stuff and never expect it. I am also not picky about being called. I tweet or facebook message are fine with me because remembering is remembering.  I do hate when people ask you what you want, you tell them and then they get you something totally off the wall...like last year, my mother asked me what I want, I said same as always gift card for books or from walmart. Easy right, told you I was easy to shop for. And she sent me....the most ugly, god awful silver bracelet. It would have been ok for one of those 80 year old grannies in florida who wear big ass straw hats, sandals with socks and carry huge straw purses...you know the type....but not for me...It was not my style, not even close...but the point is why ask? Why ask if you are just going to send your own thing? To me that says you don't really care...If you don't ask and just send your what you pick at least it seems like you though, but when you ask then do something not even close and something so unlike the person you are gifting it is more a slap....

So if I have to say what I really, really want for my birthday, I wish I could spend it with all of my friends..so many of who are spread all over the world...I miss the Kims, the Melissas (I think to be a leaky peep there is a secret rule you have to me named Kim or Melissa LOL), Josh, Patty, Brandy, Laura, Ann, Abbs, April, Dan, Eileen, Anne, Kelly, MJ, Andy, Addie, Lizzie, Leah, Delana, Kendra, Rachael...I wish I could meet in person James, Laurie, Ray...Ok I am getting into dangerous ground because I am going to forget to mention someone..I know it...but trust me you are all in my heart.