A Letter Not Sent...

...has allowed me closure...My counselor had me write this letter to my mother because I write better than I speak and she wouldn't be able to hear it. I shared it to this point with my husband, a dear friend who wanted to rip my mother to shreds & the counselor..but now I am ready to put this out there...so here it is, my goodbye to my mother:

Dear Mom,

I want to tell you some things that I need to get off my chest. I am very angry at you. Your reply to my message was nothing short of cruel. I do not understand it. How is anything I did so bad as to deserve that? I do not understand you. Jason (your son) cut you out of his & his kids life & it was heartbreaking for you. Mike tried to intervene on your behalf. You were devastated at the thought of not seeing Zach & Miranda. You begged & pleaded with Jason to not do that. You let his not being there taint your wedding day. But here I was, just saying to you that you needed to respect some boundaries (not trashing my husband to me) if you wanted to stay in our lives and you just let me go. You rather not have me in your life than not say bad things about Jay? My first reaction was what is so wrong & broken in me that I am so unlovable that you, my mother, could just let me go. Then I started to realize something. It has always been this way. You have always been so willing to let me go. You did it when Alan did what he did to me. You did it every time you were so out of it that you couldn't take care of us and I had to mother you. You did it in that hotel room when you tried to kill yourself. You did it when you let Brett drive high with my son in the car. As I thought about this I came to realize that you just don't love me. I have 2 parents who just have never loved me. It is no wonder I have trust issues & major self-esteem issues. When the people who are supposed to love you just because of the very fact that you exist and continue to love you no matter what don't then you end up wondering what is so terribly wrong with you and figure no one else will love you either. I don't know why you don't love me. I don't think you mean not too. I think you think you do but you are not capable. I don't know if it is because of how you grew up or because of how you were treated by my father and the other men you chose to have in your life or all of it. And honestly, it isn't for me to worry about why, that's yours to work out. But you really don't love me. And you know what? There is nothing I can do about it and that's fine. I can no longer worry about it because it has been poisoning everything in my life for 38 years and I can't let it anymore. I am a good person, a good wife, mother & friend. I am smart and at times very funny. I have friends who find me an important part of their lives. I have kids who love me and think I hung the moon. I have a husband who would lay down his life to protect me and think I am worthy & deserving of love & friendship. And that is enough to dam up the void left by knowing what I know. I am ready to heal & move on. The loss is yours not mine. You will miss out on seeing me grow & shine. You will miss out on knowing me as a smart, capable women. You will miss out on the wonderful, funny, loving, smart & just plain awesome children I raise. You will miss out on seeing me learn to pick myself up after a stumble and learn with grace how to move forward. And the loss is yours. I am no longer the little girl playing mommy to her own mother. I am a women who is a mother, wife, friend. And you could have been a part of that but you let me go. Just remember that, YOU LET ME GO!! 

And that is what I want to say to you

that and Goodbye