Oh How It Hurts But I Wouldn't Trade It For Anything

I have 2 living parents but for all intents and purposes I am an orphan as of 2 days ago. A few weeks ago my mother said some hurtful things. Some were about me and some were about my husband. It was hurtful enough that when Jay came home from work I was still very upset. He then went, without confrontation and without fuss and un-friended her on Facebook. I talked it out with him and made up my mind that I would start to be careful about what I said and not share anything that could leave the door open for her to hurt me. I wasn't going to fight with her because it would get us nothing but stress. Well 2 days ago I got a message from her asking when my husband unfriended her, telling me he was ruining Ryan's life and I just didn't see it and that I should have a nice life with him.
I worked for a few hours on an email to her saying what I needed to but never sure if I was going to send it but to at least get it out.
I ended up sending it, and this is what I said:

I wasnt going to do this. I dont like to fight and didnt see the use. So I was just going to be more careful about what I share and don't and chalk things up to subjects we wouldn't agree on so would be better to avoid. But then I got your messages this morning.

I don't know how you can blame Ryan's issues on Jay. It is dead wrong. You are not around that much to see how things have been. When I try to talk to you about them you say Ryan is like I was as a teenager. That hurts more than you seem to know. I don't understand where you are coming from on these things. Say or think what you want but Jay and Ryan were close and so were Koti & Ryan until around the time Ryan started getting in trouble and falling into a crowd that was smoking pot and drinking. Ryan made the choices he made. He started that fire, he smoked, he started drinking. 

I don't get it, I really dont. You tell me that you are sorry for what I went through as a kid/teen. You say you are sorry that you didn't protect me better. Then you say Ryan, who has never lived in fear a day in his life, is just like I was? I was an A student until the day I took my GED. I feared for my life every second up until I met Jay & was free of the violence. Yes Jay and I have problems but we work them out. 

I find this to be wrong on so many levels. That you would be so critical of how I am raising my kids. I am not my brother. I never turned my back on you. I stood by you when you were hurting, over and over, year after year. You cried to me over how Jason treated you. Hell, Jason and I got into that fight because of my being accepting of your new family. 

You think for some reason Ryan's problems are not because of bad choices Ryan made but because of something Jay did? Why are you angry & surprised Jay unfriended you on FB? You didn't even notice for 3 weeks and you were hurtful. He didn't make a fuss. I didn't make a fuss. There was no arguing. No one cut you off, he just made a choice. I didn't set out to slight you for mother's day. I have had a hellish few weeks and the last thing on my mind was mother's day and we didn't do for Donna and not you. 

I am not going to fight with you. I'm just not. Here is how it is, Jay is my husband and the father of my children. I love him & he us. We are a package deal. I can not allow you to say things like that to me about him. What you say to other people is up to you but you wont say them to me. You will not bad mouth my husband. And you wont compare what Ryan is like or anything Koti or Josh ever do to what I did because there is no connection. You don't get to hurt me. You can be my mother and love and support me or you can choose not to and that's up to you. But my plate is full enough and I don't need more added to it.

Here is her reply:

I'm not going to fight with you. I am tired of having to be careful of saying what I feel because it might hurt your feelings. I thought when we talked it was between us. I guess I was wrong. I never said Ryan was like you. In my opinion what you did was worse than anything Ryan did. I was there and heard the way Jay blamed things on Ryan.

Her reply felt like a physical blow and my reaction was "WOW".

So this is a relationship ended. It was clearly toxic, has been all my life and it hurts that as bad as they are I no longer have either of my parents in my life. But I wouldn't trade this for anything. I feel strong for standing up after 38 years of taking it. I feel free of the crap that I feel when I talk to them or have to deal with them. I learned how to not be a parent from them and even with the junk Ryan is putting himself and us through he has never been abused. My children have never known fear or the feeling of being hunted, unloved and even hated. So for that I have to thank my parents, they taught me so much...