Rude Awakening

I am very sad. I have a friend who finally got the courage to leave her husband. He has been physically and verbally abusive to his wife and children for their entire life. It was not easy for her. She allowed him over many years to make her feel useless, helpless and worthless. She did not want this but she allowed him to treat her this way. After many many years she has realized she is strong and brave and far from worthless. So she is doing it, she has had enough and she is trying to start a new life. But in doing this she has needed help and support. She is trying to get her drivers license and learn to live her life without him and the pain and fear. I have been doing what ever I can to be of help. And I don't expect anything in return, that's what friends do, they help each other.
But in helping her and seeing what she is going through it has made me think hard about my own life. I used to be her. I was married to a man who was vile and mean and hurtful and violent. I married him when I was 17. I left the hell of my abusive father and the pain of my mother who was neglectful because she was lost in her own hell and married a man who was like my father. It took me almost 10 years to get out.

My ex-husband did awful things to me. He would hit me often and for no real reason. He dealt drugs out of our apartment. He raped me many times and even traded me to a friend for a night of borrowing that friends car to go out with his girlfriend. When I got pregnant with my son I thought that I would be stuck forever. When I went into labor I waited a couple of hours to go to hospital because I was ashamed to have to explain that he was out at a Valentine's Day Party with his girlfriend and I couldn't get hold of him. Can you believe that? I was ashamed...I know now that I had nothing to ashamed of, the shame was all his.

Now I am here, so many years later watching someone else escape and feeling so lucky that I am am married to Jay. Such a dear man. It has not always been easy, damn, there were times it was flippin' painful and difficult but here we are better and stronger than ever. And I am starting to realize that it is more rare than I could have ever thought. I thought the bad, abusive life was the rare one. But no. Today I found out that another friend is also being hit by her husband. And they had what looked to be such a wonderful marriage. I never would have thought that this was going on behind closed doors.

I know how lucky I am to be out and safe. Safe is something I never thought I would have but now do. But I really thought that I was alone, that no one else would understand what it was like growing up like I did, feeling unloved. If the people who are supposed to love and care for and protect you find you so awful and unlovable that they mistreat you then how can anyone else love you right? Then to spend years married to someone who treats you the same way confirms what you knew. Then you learn that it is wrong and move on to something better. But still you think no one could understand what it was like. But now I think I am learning that it is so much more common then I ever knew and it scares me.

I do know that I am among the lucky few. I have a wonderful husband who is my dearest and bestest friend!!! But I still feel so sad for those who are in the hell I escaped.