Starting Over

I started over with a new Therapist today.
It was my first therapy session since a week before Christmas. This is entirely too long. I know that and so by today I was like a junkie in need of a fix. The dark was more than nipping at my heels, I was drowning in it.
But I had to start over. And damn that was hard.
So why did I?
Well honestly I had been agonizing over this for awhile. The trip back to NJ weekly was starting to tire me. Between gas, tolls & the wear on my van...But I like Noel, a lot. Between holidays and illness I had no sessions but time to think. This brought me to the new year and I had finally made up my mind to change to someone local. But then I noticed that a sneaky had been done on our insurance, an unannounced change. We went from Aetna to UnitedHeatlhcare. Our cards have these big letters in the upper left showing the claim processing place and this stayed the same, but in the lower right the tiny letters that used to say Aetna changed, I didn't notice until at the Pediatrician on 1/5. This kind of made my choice really not since Noel is not a participant in the new plan.


As with the kids pediatrician I had to pick a therapist by name. A literary choice worked well for the that (remember Elizabeth Darcy?) so when looking for therapists on the first page was a Lisbeth. Hmmm...ok, I like the character in the Millennium Trilogy and the process worked once...could it work again?

I called and we talked and she asked how I found her and I told her the story. She laughed and loved it.

I went today for the first session and I like her. I do not like starting over though. But I can do it. I have to.


And she called me brave at the end of the session. And she said she needs more time with me but she thinks the 30 some odd years of hurt and abuse (she think my mother was abusive on into my 30's until I finally cut the tie) have left me with PTSD. And this was before we even talked about rape..
Is this a thing? Is there really something and not just my own crazy?

I think this will work...I feel like she will be ok. She isn't Noel or even Ann but she will be helpful I think...



Oh and at the end she asked me if I wanted to start out with once a week...I really wanted to say I wanted to come every day :P