Explination

I got a message from one of my best friends after my last post telling me they were glad to hear from me because I had been very quiet on twitter and facebook lately.
I thought maybe I should explain.
I have been feeling very overwhelmed by life.
Moving was supposed to make life easier, but getting to that point is more stressful than I ever thought. It didn't just happen...And there is a light on the horizon but making it there...well...things like more money & less worry would be nice right?
And depression for me is a physical thing. It makes things feel magnified. Sights, sounds, feelings...I get what feels like sensory overload. I have not needed medication as of yet, the new therapist told me if we ever feel it is needed not to feel like I failed...But for now being in therapy keeps things in check. The problem is that if I go more than 2-3 weeks without a session the "Dark" for lack of a better word comes back. Between me being sick (between Thanksgiving and New Years weekend I was sick more days than not),  Joshie being sick, holidays, school vacations..well my sessions have been sporadic since Thanksgiving and until yesterday my last one was the week before Christmas.
I have not been able to keep up with Facebook & Twitter and I do miss you all, these places have always been a way for me to keep up with the awesome friends I have made since joining Leaky and the friends I made just by being on FB & Twitter. I do have a tumblr too, it isn't as intimate at this blog but it has felt like a life preserver these past few weeks. I practiced saying stuff "out loud" there I had not told anyone but a handful of people and found out I am not alone in what I have been through. Sadly things like child abuse & rape are so much more common then I ever imagined and that is so awful but so helpful (sick sounding but true).


I owe James a huge thanks because one morning I woke up and in my box was a file with a Tim Minchin concert. I mentioned seeing Tim on Graham Norton (BBC America and Doctor Who have also been life preservers) and so he sent me this gift. I know he thinks it's no big deal but it is because listening to it has been making me laugh and I needed that. Laughing really does help. He didn't know I was in pain but he thought of me and that is what friends do right?

There is an episode of Doctor Who, Vincent and The Doctor. I have watched it 4 times and I have cried every time. There is a line that sums up how I feel. It is said that van Gogh turned his pain and torment into something of ecstatic beauty. I can relate to that. It is something I need to do with my life. It is why I want to write, if I don't the words burn me from the inside out. I need to take back control and use what I have for something other than the ugly that the scars show.