Finding My Joy

The Holiday Season has begun! Thanksgiving is behind me and Christmas is 23 days away.

Before I met Jay I hated this time of year. I had nothing but bad memories of the holidays for as long as my mind could go back. Then when I met Jay, he was someone who loved this time of year and it was contagious. Over the past 13 almost 14 years I have come to love it too. It is now my favorite time of year.

But while I still love and look forward to it, I have had to work harder the past few years to find my joy.

~Three years ago at Christmas I was just home from the hospital after 10 days in ICU. I could barely walk with a walker and not at all without it. I still had the PIC line in and was on antibiotics. Our next door neighbor was taking Koti to the school bus in the mornings for me because I couldn't do it. I tried after being home 2 days thinking that Joshie's stroller would provide enough support but half way to the bus the pain was so bad I threw up in the street and had to sit on the flower box outside the store on our street. Another mom I knew was at the bus stop and her kid saw this and kept walking. Would have been nice, I mean it was Christmas time, if she had offered to let Koti walk with them the half of block to the bus. A senior citizen lady we didn't really know but who we had said hi to a few times as she walks past every day saw and offered to walk Koti for me even though it was back the way she came from. We didn't even put a tree up I was so sick and had no energy for it. And forget gifts. We were so damn broke from having just moved into our house and then me ending up so sick. The only reason the kids had anything was because Koti's school knew what was going on and gave the kids a gift basket each and Joshie won a drawing at our bank for a 4ft tall stocking that had some cool stuff in it.

~Last Christmas we had been without a car since just after Thanksgiving and we were still almost 2 months from being able to get a new one. I was really getting more and more depressed over not being able to get around and having to depend on friends for rides. In the area I live public transportation is spotty unless you are going to the malls or NYC. I kept worrying about what would happen if the kids got hurt or sick, I couldn't get them to a Dr if I couldn't get a ride. Going to the grocery store had to be when ever a friend was going and we used Peapod a lot even though it is a little bit pricier than going to the store. When Joshie did get sick panic set in but thanks to a sweet lady, Deb, who is the mom of one of Koti's friends from Girl Scouts who dropped everything to take us to the Dr it worked out and we have since become friends. Then there was Koti's activities. My friend Laura came and got us and took us to Koti's school one night then came back and got us and drove us home so Koti could still be in the school's Holiday Concert even though her child was not in it. We thought ahead and planned early so gifts were not a problem since I did most of my shopping on line. It got so that the UPS man joked he should just move in with us he was here so often :)

~Now this year...as my friends and regular blog readers know, we have been having so much trouble with Ryan. Sadly it is not getting any better. This is the first year Joshie is really aware of Christmas being a big deal. He is so excited and loving everything about it. Koti always has ever since she was about 3 and became aware of it being different than the rest of year. I want them both to always have happy memories of the holidays and not dread it like I did and my mother before me. So I am trying to bathe in their love and wonder. In it I am finding my joy. We went to our towns tree lighting and Santa came on a firetruck to light the tree and Joshie went nuts!! Koti was so happy to be singing with the other Girl Scouts at the lighting she was glowing. She is again doing the school Holiday Concert and having a blast. We put up our tree and the TV specials have begun. My worry and sadness over Ryan still nibble at me all the time so I have to work at it but it is happening. I am finding my joy in the small moments. I just have to work at seeing them and grabbing on.